Tag: blogging

Year 7 Day 90

I was saved by a friend and the sea.

Unexpected invitations are probably my favourite kind of surprise. Instead of a sad and quiet bank holiday, I head out to the coast and soak in the sun. I was slightly apprehensive as I wasn’t confident I could hold a conversation for the whole day with this particular friend, but it turns out that this friend was exactly who I needed. We shared worries, life updates and deeper experiences, whilst walking along the beach and sipping on pints.

I hand her my sad hoping that it’s not too heavy a burden, releasing a weight I didn’t know I was carrying. She pushes me in ways I didn’t know I needed, to see the truth of the situation, and how I can navigate it, and encourages me to take off my socks and shoes, and let the sea wash over my feet, to bring my back in to the present and out of my toxic headspace.

The sun shines so bright I forget why I was upset in the first place, and enjoy the way it feels on my bare arms, letting it radiate through me, turning blue to a slightly warmer colour.

I am so grateful for caring friends and spontaneous days out of the city.

Year 7 Day 88

I didn’t want to sit and stew again today, even though every impulse wanted to fall apart further. So I picked myself up and went outside for longer than an hour.

A while later I sat atop Greenwich park’s hill and looked across London, in all its sparkling metallic beauty, thinking about the week. I call my mum to update her and talk through plans again, grateful for the support and comfort it brings.

It’s hard to feel too sad when the sun is heating down and warmth radiates through me, I breathe in the fragrance of spring, and try to relax.

It’s going to be okay, just keep repeating it, scream it if you have to, anything to help it stick.

Say it with me, it’s going to be okay! Just believe in the process and carry on.

Year 7 Day 87

The depression sets in properly in the early hours of the morning, preventing me from sleep. I mindlessly watch content as the light creeps in, and all the bad thoughts with it, creating a vicious cycle of pain.

Later in the day I finally seek the unconsciousness I crave, and let it overtake me. It’s so much easier to lose myself to world instead of reliving everything in minute detail, over and over again. The darkness gives me peace, for a little while at least.

Year 7 Day 86

It absolutely kills me sat at home, whilst the team which I, only since yesterday, no longer belong to, have a company meeting altogether. They probably won’t give me a second thought, won’t care that I’m no longer with them, I know some will be glad.

I thought I’d finally found a family for myself, I loved the feeling of belonging. The personalities mostly fit my own, the banter and laughter filled me with confidence and pride. But I guess it was another fantasy, another misinterpretation, another fake scenario I made up.

The reality is I could have been better, but I don’t think I deserved this, this could have been avoided if only the lines of communication stayed open. But they didn’t want that, they wanted a quick fix to a deeper problem. One replaced cog is not going to restart the motor that easily.

This is it, never again will I let myself get comfortable, no longer will I trust my surroundings and those I work with. Everyone is out for themselves, and if someone doesn’t like you, you have to be on your best behaviour always. I will not let myself be burned like this again, and will do everything I can to not be myself, only a perfect false version.

They don’t want personality, just nameless and faceless soldiers. I guess I needed to learn this someday.

I wish it wasn’t today though.

Year 7 Day 83

I thought today might have been a nice quiet start to the weekend, but instead I get a calendar request which immediately fills me with dread. I try and think calmly about the possible positive outcomes, but I’ve been burned so many times before, most notably a year ago this month, that I can’t shake the anxiety.

I can only sit, wait, and pray I’m wrong