For one day, instead of forcing guilt and upset upon myself for not completing hours of work, I take it easy. With the state of the world and the sad news I had got the night before, I needed to clear my head. So I lose myself in a fictional favourite and give my brain the space it needs to process. In doing so my body also had time to relax which I didn’t know I needed until it happened. I have been panicking on and off for days, getting more and more stressed about all manner of things, that this day was definitely needed. I have to look after myself or I’ll burn out way too fast.
Unsurprising news pushes me over the edge and I reach out again to the one who I know will understand. He more than understands and takes all my panic and calms it with soft prose and ridiculous jokes. This is comfort that I’ve never known, instead of instant retraction and turning away, I am listened to and allowed to speak freely. There is no restriction and no swift change of subject. He does not selfishly complain about my negative thoughts and feelings impacting him but instead works through how I’m feeling until I understand them.
He connects, openly and honestly, with not an ounce of disdain or impatience.
A little bit of sun greets my eyes as they open and beckons me out of bed. Sitting in the garden I watch our latest creation out in the world and feel so proud of us.
The panic comes back in the evening and I reach out and get half of what I need. I expect the worst when in actuality I know that won’t happen.
What I should plan for is a constant up and down, this has only just begun and we will come out out the other side; eventually.
With the sun unable to face coming out, I stay in doors, this does not help my general mood. Panic courses through once the evening comes around and I spin dramatically. Claustrophobia mixed with the uncontrollable natural of the situation takes my breath away and blinds me to any positives there may be.
Friends help to calm me but it is a short lived false feeling. I reach out to the only one who I think will help and luckily he picks up. Two hours later and I am feeling lighter and happier. Please don’t change.
I have spent the last week seeing pixelated faces behind far away screens, distorted and faded, they tell me stories of their day. Each time I find myself smiling and laughing, delighted by the brief connection to friends and family. But each and every time we say goodbye I feel the pain of separation even worse than before. I’ve gotten to the point where I’ll take what I can get but I really only want to see one face…
Sunday blues seem to still be a thing even during a worldwide pandemic.
It takes a virtual world for me to finally relax a little. As long as I’m somewhere else I can pretend this isn’t happening for a short while. I can run around outside, visit friends and even take a plane to a far away island – what a novelty! This feeling of freedom is all well and good until I switch it off and am confronted with reality once again. Sadness creeps back in and I sink back in darkness.
Between a long walk and the last day of scheduled sun, I manage to find some motivation, getting on with work finally. I’m hoping this isn’t a momentary occurrence but a change for the better. Panic crafted from the pressure of keeping my job, and the company afloat, has been getting the better of me this week. I can’t let this continue. I must fight the flight response within me.