Something overcame me today and I find motivation to clear out and organise my room. For hours I sift through years of not letting go, fabrics that now aren’t long enough, items that have long lost their purpose and memories that I no longer fit in to. Before I would have been stuck as what to do, teetering on the edge of decision, not wanting to get rid of things that I may need or miss, but today I am brutal and stuff various items in to bin bags before I can change my mind.
At the end I sit in a spotless room and feel a strange weight suddenly dissolve as everything sits in its right place.
My therapist tells me I need to organise my thoughts and feelings because they’re motivating panic and anxiety within me. She says me wanting to organise my room is my body telling me I need to sort myself out. I laugh but soon realise she has a point, sitting smiling in my organised and tidy space.
We toast to being whole again and try to not get too emotional about how proud we are of us. I feel so lucky to belong with these people, as angry as I may get sometimes, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.
A quiet day at home is exactly what I need. I let the peace of my room soothe my frantic mind and breathe easy for a while.
I really, really, want to get a handle on my panic. I can not go another day spiralling over unanswered messages and calls, fearing the very worst outcomes. I need to be comfortable and confident in myself and my choices and not depend on another to get myself out of despair.
I want to be able to look after myself without expecting others to do so. I used to love time on my own and I want to find this joy again.
But most of all I need to calm my beating heart and foolish actions and think before I act. I let my panic take over and decide for me what will happen which is a direct contrast to the control I think I’m trying to hold on to.
I’m just so tired of being scared all the time.
Back to the office and our team is finally full once again! Two people who I haven’t seen in months have now returned, bringing with them sass and comforting chatter.
Although the quips are sometimes too much, I am glad we can all be in the same room, working together, and not over a zoom call or email.
The slowest day we’ve ever spent together gives us precious moments back, that have recently been taken from us.
No plan and no where to go, just us leaving the outside world behind and revelling in a quiet safe space.
Although I let panic overtake me once again, and nearly ruin the evening before it’s began, being back here dissolves all my worries and suddenly I can’t remember why they were there in the first place.
Having you back in my orbit still feels uneasy so I take my time settling back in to it. I see all your nice words and promises and wait for something to go wrong, for the ball to drop, and for you to disappear once again.
But you don’t and we carry on, as if nothing had happened, and I realise that some things are better left as they are, just as long as you continue to be by my side with a smile and an infectious laugh.
As if my week wasn’t stressful or traumatic enough, my favourite human runs backwards in to a metal pole while working.
All day I worry and check in repeatedly to make sure he’s okay, not believing him much when he tells me he’s fine. I curse his arrogance to not take help and instead suffer alone. I wish that for once he would just let me take care of him, to make his life a little easier.
But every time I ring he thanks me in his own way and I know instantly we are back on track. It’s a good feeling that is overshadowed by my worry for him.
Late at night the panic peaks and I reach out once again, I am greeted with annoyance but at least I know he’s okay.
What an end to the week.
With confidence and pure determination we finish the biggest photography shoot we’ve ever had. Every challenge we saw head on and overcame them as a team resulting in happy clients and sense of accomplishment.
We clink glasses in cheers later on in the evening as the stress of the week finally leaves me and a quiet bell alerts me to a welcome reappearance.
I take a deep breath and try to relax.