Year 4 Day 55

I tried, I really tried to be okay and not be derailed by the vaccine, but we can’t control how our bodies react to things. So with achey muscles and a continuing foot injury, I make my way home from work, in search of a warm bed and a sleepy afternoon.

Year 4 Day 54

Unexpectedly today I got my first dose of Pfizer, one of the Covid-19 vaccines. It was a very quick and smooth experience and I felt very looked after every step of the way, even though they were very busy!

Afterwards I sat on a riverside I know very well and reminisced about all the times I had sat here previously. With the sun shining down and coffee in hand I finally, after weeks of turmoil, felt at peace.

Was this because the vaccine had gone well and I didn’t need to worry about it anymore? Or was it that work was finally levelling out and becoming a little less stressful again? Either way I felt very content for the hour I sat and basked in the sunshine. A stolen moment of lonesome delight.

Year 4 Day 53

27 – damn how did that happen?

A very unusual birthday but a very memorable one all the same. Being shocked out of sleep at midnight with a cake and a song was not how I imagined the day beginning but I am glad it did happen like that. A beautiful soul made this day very special for me, as well as all the well wishes and messages, I couldn’t ask for anything better.

I try not to let social media expectations get me down but I do find myself counting how many ‘friends’ get in contact, a sickness of my generation.

Here’s to another year of health and positivity, hopefully I can do more at 27 then I did at 26.

Year 4 Day 52

Running as fast as I can, through fields and ruins alike, towards a precarious ledge. Just before I reach the terrifying drop I jump, feeling the rush of adrenalin and the tumble of my stomach as I free fall. This feeling doesn’t last long though as I pull out my glider causing the wind to catch and pull me up. Suddenly I am serenely moving through the sky, able to take in my surroundings, taking a moment to breathe.

From up here I can see so much of the land I am journeying through, sparkling in the twilight, the sun casting its last rays across the sky. Peaks, valleys and woods glitter in the dying day, revealing their most beautiful parts whilst hiding what lurks within them amongst shadows and darkness.

I will be there soon, fighting whatever awaits me, but now I relish in the quiet of my slow descent.

Year 4 Day 50

My first holiday day of the year and all I can do is sleep. It’s the only way I can think to shut off my worry about my colleagues and the work I’ve left behind. Yesterday still plays on repeat in my head, the unexpected delay and unclear plans lead to lengthy phone calls and thinking out of the box. It doesn’t feel right leaving my partner right when she needs me the most but I know that holiday days are there to be taken and my mental heath has to be priority.

But with no work to focus my thoughts, it’s hard to stay on the positive and not dwell on the negative.

Appropriate that I feel like this on my first day of counselling.

A very odd experience but one I am glad I finally have done. Writing paragraphs for someone far away to read and analysis, for the good or the bad, at least it’s a start. Don’t know what I was expecting but I definitely wasn’t expecting to just introduce myself for an hour. I don’t know if this will help or if it’ll have any impact on my life but I am willing to stick it out and see what happens. The best part of the whole experience was that afterwards I went upstairs for a hug and a debrief. Words of encouragement and care are not lost on me, in fact they are very much welcomed, I instantly feel like I’ve made a big step and am proud of myself for that.

Year 4 Day 49

Together we navigate a fictional town laughing as we cause feathered mayhem for its residents. A lot of teamwork is required and our partnership is put to the test, but we rise to the challenge. Losing ourselves in honking madness quietens worries and reminds me of how grateful I am to have this in my life right now. Our little oasis amongst the storm which is currently everyday life.

Year 4 Day 48

Racing down the side of a duel carriage way with only one fully functioning foot was not how I envisioned this shoot day going. A flurry of message from my colleagues keep me glued to my phone as I relay information to an absent client. I am cursing my stressed out brain for forgetting a vital component for today – towels – which only fuels my desire to rectify the mistake further. The Tesco Superstore I am seeking finally becomes visible on the other side of the busy motorway, but I do not know how to cross. In a moment of hopelessness I feel like giving up, but after hobbling a little further down the pavement I suddenly spot an underpass.

Flash forward twenty minutes later and I am in an Uber back to the shoot location, towels in hand and a happy client on the other side of the phone. I’ve pulled this off somehow and am so thankful for my wonderful team for holding down the fort in my absence. I can do more than I think, I just got to push through.

Year 4 Day 47

I am not feeling as relieved or relaxed as I thought I would be after finishing yesterday’s shoot. I was, as always, looking for a quick fix and instant satisfaction. But I should know by now that anxiety doesn’t just disappear and the last time I felt like this it lasted three months.

I need to start looking after myself and practice heathy coping mechanisms in order to see any kind of improvement. For now though I’ve just got to keep going and believing that it doesn’t get better.